i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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