The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize