If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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