Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
