i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
