i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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