just survived the first fart of the relationship.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
