What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
