I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
