I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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