my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
