I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
