i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
