Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
