When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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