I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize