the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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