have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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