i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize