At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
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