my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
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The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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