Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
