i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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