I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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