she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
