i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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