Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
