im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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