Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
