I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I would fuck him just for his dog
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