You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
