Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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