Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
