i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
