I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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