But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
