the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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