My friends, they love my intelligence
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
