Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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