I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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