Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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