the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
