getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
