My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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