did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Randomize
