the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
false alarm. still invincible.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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