i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
