dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
