My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Barsexuality is the new black.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
It was a blind-side dick pic.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
