i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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