I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
