Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Randomize
