i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
