I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
