Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
