y did u give ur computer a hand job?
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
it's like iHOP with fire
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Randomize