You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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