I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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