Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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