i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
