I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
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